Making Altars of Remembrance When God Shows up in Suffering
Amy K
I have had cancer. Twice, actually. It seems like it continues to rear its ugly head. While my experience has definitely not been as horrific as what so many others face, I have "gone through it," as they say. As I write my testimony, however, I want to focus on God’s goodness much more than my suffering. I may come off as somewhat cold and unaffected by the experience, and I can assure you that is not the case, but God’s gracious hand is so much larger in my mind that I have a hard time writing about the negative aspects of this disease.
When I was 17, my senior year in high school, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease. This type of cancer affects your lymph nodes and can therefore travel through your body quickly. My diagnosis was not great: it had spread through my body, and it had hit an organ, and so I was stage 3. After six months of chemotherapy, I was in remission! I also felt a strange—yes, strange—gratitude for cancer. It had stopped me in my very teenage tracks and made me think much more passionately about my faith. It paused the hustle of a normal youth life and allowed me to be thankful for the family and friends who surrounded me. It gave me a sense that God chose me to have cancer because He wanted me to draw nearer to Him.
As the summer rolled around, I was ready to move on with my life, go to college, and put it all behind me. While the doctors were sure that I was cancer-free, I was also told that I would be “kid-free.” At 17, it is hard to grasp the weight of being told that the chemo drugs that saved your life would also leave you infertile.
After one discouraging doctor visit, where it was confirmed that, yes, I would never get pregnant, my mom saw a huge rainbow in the sky and she faithfully said, “I don’t think that God is done with your story; He has put His promise in the sky.” At 17, I have to say honestly that the idea of having kids was not my priority, but God knew better.
By the time I was 30 years old, I had naturally conceived five children, including a set of twins. God has a humorous way of reminding us that He is the author of Life. So, no, not just one miracle child, but five. All huge blessings to my husband and myself.
My testimony used to end there.
Cancer-free, lots of kids, the Lord is so good. The end.
But it was not the end. At 41, as the dreaded perimenopause was looming its ugly head, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I thought a very human thought, “Really, God? Didn’t I already put my time in with this??” As if cancer was like reporting for the draft. All the fears, emotions, and stress returned. It was not good timing; our kids lead very full lives in sports. But when is cancer convenient? But God’s timing is always perfect, His ways are higher than ours and so I remembered back to the last inconvenient time that I had cancer and I trusted.
Through that trust, I was able to focus on the ways that God was going to work all these things out for “my good and His Glory.” And now for the list of amazing things God did in the midst of this awful time:
The cancer was small and only surgery was necessary.
My neighbor was a Breast Oncology Surgeon. Right away she connected me to all of the best doctors to take care of me.
My community of friends immediately helped with meals, gifts, blankets, rides for the kids, and of course, sitting and being with me while I recovered.
My wonderful husband was able to be with me every step of the way.
My parents had moved to the area months before, being helpful and available for myself and my family.
Having children who are older and stepped up in their attitudes and faith.
A community of believers praying over me and with me continually.
Besides this quick list of things God provided for me, there are two moments remain present in my mind. Like the Israelites who were told to create altars of remembrance so that they would not forget what the Lord had done for them in the wilderness or in battles, I believe that we would be so helped to create our own versions of altars of remembrance. Having cancer the first time, the Lord drawing so near to me immediately, I was comforted. Having children this time, the Lord impressed on my heart one single thought: “Suffer well, as a testimony to others and an example to your children.”
One of the unfortunate promises we have living in a fallen world is that there will always be suffering. John 16:33 says, “I have said these things to you, that you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” In the Greek, “take heart” is tharseo. It literally means to “be of good cheer.” It is also an imperative—a command. This is not an option. There will be trouble, and yet we are still commanded to take heart. I think for most of us we would say that is a tall order, and apart from the grace of God, we fall totally short in being of “good cheer” when faced with trials. But what sets us apart as believers? That our hope is not in this world but in the next. Therefore, take heart! 1 Corinthians 15:42-44, “So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown a perishable body, it is raised an imperishable body; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.”
My husband lovingly planned a prayer time for friends and family the week before my surgery. It was to be a 12-hour surgery with three months of recovery—not for the faint of heart. That day, we had family, friends from several churches, pastors from previous churches, and faith-filled friends from the community all come to help me “take heart.” And if that was not encouragement enough, I witnessed my children pray faith-filled prayers of reliance on God through this surgery and recovery for me. Through the suffering, God was not just working on my heart, but He was actively growing my children’s faith to trust Him with the outcome of their mamma’s life. There is truly no greater gift for a parent than to see their children grow in their faith. Many told me after that they came that day to support me but left being uplifted themselves.
At the end of a week in the hospital after a successful surgery, the Lord gave me an opportunity to “suffer well.” As anyone who has spent time in the hospital knows, discharge day cannot come soon enough, and the last hours and minutes before leaving seem to go the slowest. After working through PT in the hospital, training me on how to get out of bed, walk up a few steps, and sit in a chair safely to ensure that I did not tear any of the numerous stitches holding my trunk together, I was ready to escape! A kind older gentleman came with a wheelchair ready to bring me down to the lobby when I got the dreaded call. My husband on the other end said, "It's going to be a bit because they do not have all your meds ready at the pharmacy.” It felt like a cruel joke—when you can see the finish line but you hit quicksand and cannot get to it! Totally exhausted, and definitely not interested in having a conversation with anyone, that still small voice reminded me, “Suffer well as a testimony for others.” And so with that, a small conversation about the weather turned into a conversation about my diagnosis. And that conversation about my diagnosis turned into this loving older gentleman gifting me a beautiful handmade blanket, made by his wife. In pain, he told me that his wife was in a four-year battle with brain cancer, in and out of the hospital regularly. He shared how he quit his job and took a job at the hospital so that he could have lunch with her during the day since she was there so often. What a beautiful love on display. And through tears, I asked for his wife’s name and his children’s names and told him I would pray for them.
Throughout my life, God shows up. Continually. In the outpouring of prayers and support, God showed up. Before my surgery, the intake nurse told me she would pray for me while I was in surgery. God showed up. When I came out of surgery, my first nurse in my recovery room was also a believer. God showed up. In a lesson of looking outside myself even in exhaustion, God showed up. And isn’t that the story of the gospel, that God continues to show up? In the Old Testament, those altars of remembrance happened after God showed up. And even while we were still sinners, God showed up, sent his Son to die for us so that we would have eternal life with Him.
I pray that this would be an encouragement to others in their trials. God will show up. Make altars of remembrance in your life of the times that God showed up so that when you have to face the next trial, you may look back and remember the goodness of God and trust that He will show up once again.