Taking Offense Part 1: When Offense Is the Bait

When someone dismisses me, my first instinct is to take it personally — like my feelings didn't matter enough to be heard. But when I really think about it, dismissiveness usually says more about the other person than it does about me. People shut down, roll their eyes, or brush someone off when they don't have the emotional tools to handle what's in front of them. Sometimes it's ego. Sometimes it's fear of being wrong. Sometimes it's an old wound from childhood that taught them to detach before they get hurt. Either way, it's often a defense mechanism, not a verdict on my worth.

That doesn't make it hurt less in the moment. But it helps me remember hurt people often act out of their own unhealed places, not out of some accurate assessment of who I am.

There's a deeper, spiritual layer to this too. 2 Timothy 3:2 tells us that in the last days, people will be "lovers of self." And if you trace most offense back to its root, that's exactly where you find it — self. We take offense because we love ourselves. We protect our image, our pride, our sense of being right, our need to be respected. That's not a condemnation — it's just honest. Offense doesn't grow in soil that's focused on God. It grows in soil that's focused on me.

There's a great book out there — The Bait of Satan by John Bevere — and he considers offense a deadly trap of Satan's. He's right. Offense is bait. It's not an accident when we feel that sting — it's a trap set to catch us. And here's the terrifying part: once we take the bait, we isolate ourselves. Staying offended keeps us isolated from those we need to show love to — even in the toughest of times, even when they make themselves, in our eyes, unlovable. But in God's eyes, they are not.

And speaking of relationships — I believe one of the ones Satan just loves destroying most are family ties. We need only to look at the first family, Adam and Eve's, to see that this is true. Families are the ones who can hurt us the most, and that is exactly why Satan goes there. I have had friends and acquaintances share their sadness over their relationships with their adult children. They tell me they don't feel respected, seen, or appreciated for their contributions to life, society, their profession.

Guess who else may have felt that way? Jesus. His own family, and many who knew Him growing up, didn't fully appreciate Him. They didn't recognize who He was — some even after He performed miracles. One of the things that encourages me is remembering that even Jesus was misunderstood by the people who knew Him best.

We sometimes think that if we're doing God's will, everyone around us will understand it, support it, and celebrate it. But that's not what happened to Jesus. When He went back to His hometown of Nazareth, the very people who had watched Him grow up couldn't see past who they thought He was. "Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son?" they asked. Their familiarity with Him became a stumbling block. They were so blinded by unbelief that they missed the Messiah standing right in front of them.

Even His own family struggled to understand Him. At one point, the crowds were so overwhelming that Jesus didn't even have time to eat. When His family heard what was happening, they came to take Him home because they thought He had lost His mind. Imagine that — the Son of God, and the people closest to Him believed He was the one who was confused.

And then there were His brothers. Before the resurrection, they didn't believe He was the Messiah. They even challenged Him, almost sarcastically, telling Him to go perform His miracles publicly if He wanted people to believe in Him. They were looking with human eyes instead of eyes of faith.

I think there's an important lesson for all of us here. Sometimes the people closest to us are the last to understand what God is doing in our lives. Not because they're bad people — but because familiarity can make it hard to recognize God's work. They remember who we were, while God is showing us who He's calling us to become. If Jesus was misunderstood, questioned, rejected, and doubted — even by His own family — we shouldn't be surprised when we experience the same. Our job isn't to convince everyone. Our job is to remain faithful. God sees what others don't. And in His perfect timing, He reveals His work in ways no amount of human approval ever could.

But did that stop Him from being who He was? Did Jesus think to Himself, "Hmm, I need to be more likable, more acceptable"? Was He frozen in place because the rejection was too much to bear? We know the answer to that. But think about this — He was God incarnate, but He was also human. So no doubt He felt what you and I feel when we are rejected, dismissed, criticized, and ridiculed. He felt it just as much as you and I feel it. The difference is, He knew what to do with it. He knew to respond with love. He knew that He was here to do the Father's work.

So are we here to do our Father's work. Knowing that should help us realize that we cannot be overcome by spiritual attacks — because that is what they are.

So how are we supposed to respond to people who mistreat us? Paul answers that directly in 2 Timothy 2:24-26: "The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance." Notice what's missing from that instruction — there's no clause that says, "unless they hurt your feelings first." Gentleness isn't conditional on how we're treated. It's a fruit of the Spirit, not a reaction to good behavior.

This is why Ephesians 4:32 tells us to be "kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" — not because people earn it, but because we were never asked to earn it either. Colossians 3:13 adds to that: "Bear with each other and forgive one another... forgive as the Lord forgave you." Hebrews 12:15 warns us to watch that "no root of bitterness springs up" — because bitterness doesn't stay contained. It spreads and defiles everything around it, including our own hearts.

Jesus went even further in Luke 6:27-28: "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." That's not weakness — that's strength most people never reach for. It's choosing to rise above the moment instead of matching someone else's energy.

Here's the real question I think we're supposed to sit with: instead of asking "how do I protect myself from being hurt again," what if we asked, "how do I love this person the way Christ loved me?" That's a completely different posture. Self-protection keeps us guarded, distant, and small. Love — the kind the Holy Spirit produces in us — moves toward people, even the difficult ones, even the ones who wounded us.

Jesus modeled this at the cross, at the worst moment of betrayal in human history, saying, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). If He could extend that in that moment, we can extend it at the dinner table, in the group chat, or in the front seat of the car after a hard conversation. Romans 12:21 sums up the goal: "Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good." Not because it's easy — because it's who we're becoming.

I don't have to shrink, and I don't have to strike back. I can acknowledge that I was hurt, forgive the person anyway, and still hold my head up — not because they earned it, but because that's who I choose to be.

But we must not give Satan space in our relationships, so that we are free to hear the will of God in those relationships and to love as Jesus loved in those relationships. None of that can be done when we are wallowing in self-pity because of — let's be real — our self-love that Timothy was talking about. Let's get out of ourselves and into the direction of the Holy Spirit. We are only here for a moment — let's make that moment one that will have an eternal value.

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