Holy Disagreement
Some may be under the false notion that once you become a Christian and become part of a church, everything is sunshine. No disagreements or frustration could ever occur in a church! In reality, that could not be further from the truth, unfortunately! Shared faith does not mean shared preferences, opinions or personalities. And we still have this sinful nature that we are trying to put to death each day. A women’s bible study leader described it once as “Your sin bumps up against my sin in a really bad way.” Doesn’t that capture that problem so well!? Conflict is inevitable. But it does not need to lead to division. Too often our sinful nature allows natural disagreements to turn ungodly and prideful. God knows that there will be conflict, so let’s look at His word to see the best way to honor Christ and love our sister well through friction.
Let’s look at a few verses to understand what our posture should be when we find ourselves in conflict with a fellow believer.
Colossians 3:12–13, “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Proverbs 15:1, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Ephesians 4:15, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
James 1:19–20, ” My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
I love that James tells us the “why” behind the instruction - it is not producing the righteousness that God desires. God wants us to emulate His character. To be Holy because He is Holy. Human anger does not lead to this Godly righteousness.
Let’s look at an example of disagreement in the New Testament found in Acts 15:36–41. Here we find Paul and Barnabas sharply disagree over whether to take John Mark on their next missionary journey.
“Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” 37 Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, 38 but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. 39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, 40 but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. 41 He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.”
They had a genuine, sharp disagreement over ministry judgment, yet neither compromised the Gospel or engaged in character assassination. Rather than forcing uniformity or nursing resentment, they recognized a practical solution: Barnabas took Mark to Cyprus, and Paul took Silas to Syria. The Lord used this disagreement to double the reach of the mission. Later, Paul acknowledges Mark as "very useful to me for ministry," (2 Timothy 4:11). Clearly, a reconciliation occurred and the ministry was blessed by the work of both men. The gospel and ministry would have been disrupted and even greatly harmed if Paul and John attacked one another, trying to prove they held the correct position. Even worse, they would have made Christians look no different than unbelievers in how they dealt with disagreement. We can walk different paths on matters of judgment without burning the bridge of fellowship or writing off a sister.
In Philippians 4:2–3, we see the opposite occurring and Paul stepping in.
“I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are in the book of life.”
Paul pleads with two faithful women leaders in the Philippian church to "agree in the Lord." These were not false teachers; they were co-laborers who labored alongside Paul in the Gospel. Unfortunately, the rift that occurred was noticeable and was a threat to the peace of the church. It is also clear that the women no longer could or would work on this disagreement together and lovingly; Paul came alongside them with swift instruction to “major on the majors” of the gospel. He did not want to see personal disagreement stall the work of the kingdom and create damage across the entire church body.
So we know that disagreement is natural and unavoidable. What are some ways to navigate conflict in order to not hinder the work of the church and not damage the name of Christ?
Examine the Conflict: Is this a core gospel issue, or a matter of conscience, preference, or personality? (Romans 14).
Address Directly: Address the believer directly in private rather than building a consensus or venting disguised as a "prayer request" (Matthew 18:15).
Listen with Understanding: Validate the other’s perspective before defending your own.
Guard Your Tongues: Refrain from going outside of those directly involved in the disagreement to garner validation.
Jesus said the world will know we are His disciples by our love for one another (John 13:35), especially when it is difficult. Disagreeing with grace doesn't mean pretending differences don't exist; it means proving that Christ's bond is stronger than any disagreement. Visualize yourself and the other believer side by side and facing the conflict together - NOT facing off against each other in the conflict. Satan would like nothing more than to distract from the main mission that we are on to spread the Gospel. He would also like nothing more than to discourage believers and harm the name of Christ followers! Be vigilant and guard your hearts, minds, and tongues, especially in a season of disagreement!